So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
