Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
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im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
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When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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