Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
