i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
