I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
