I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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