I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
