he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
bring money and cleavage
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
