dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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