All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
