I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
