i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
