I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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