Moan for me like Helen Keller
I smell stomach acid.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
