Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
