yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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