thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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