I must be too annoying 4 u.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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