He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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