So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
