Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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