bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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