what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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