why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
