Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
