90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
