Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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