They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Randomize
