Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
