Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
