Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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