I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
