it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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