It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
