All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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