I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
