woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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