Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
well you can't waste a boner
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
