omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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