worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It was confusing and full of hummus
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
