She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
