Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
