I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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