I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
