mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
