Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
