My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
