So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
