My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
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shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
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Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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