Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
