I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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