I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
