The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Randomize
