I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
