everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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