Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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