By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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