Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize