If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
