someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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