Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
