someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
