got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
