Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
